Who Am I?

Coming back to Rantoul has been good and bad. Right now I see more cons than pros but I’m sure there are more pros, I just can’t acknowledge them yet cause I’m in Rantoul and the grass is always greener. First, I hate driving to and from Champaign. It feels like the trip gets longer everytime (especially at 1 am) and its gas spent and miles on my car etc. Second, this is the biggest con for me, I can’t go where I want and do what I want when I want. Let me rephrase that I can go do what I want when I want but not without having to tell someone in my family. The alternative is lying which would be worse. Sarah is already teasing me about hanging with Davon and he said he has a girl in Joliet. To be fair he is up front about it. Anyway, in the car, she said she had a dream about me bringing a guy home. ha! That’s old news sister. Does she really think I would be dumb enough to bring a guy home when she is there AND Stephanie is sleeping on the couch? Oh man, I am really dumb in Sarah’s dreams. I guess I know how she sees me now. I realize now how much freedom I had being on campus and I hope that if Stratford somehow doesn’t work out that I able to get an apartment there without getting a talk from my family.

Thirdly, coming back to Rantoul has made realize that I can’t be the good Christian girl that everyone sees me as and the social, chill and carefree girl that I feel like I want to be. Just because I feel like I want to be someone doesn’t mean that’s who I should be. I’m not totally carefree cause I still am hesitant to throw up the deuces and go chill with friends when I’m with my family but I want to look at that as if I’m being considerate and not just ditching my fam after a meal they paid for. But Sarah telling me that she thought I would bring home a boy has made me realize that I have changed some, changed enough for her to believe that of me.

Davon and Nay have both talked about not become someone so a certain person likes you and I feel like that’s what I do a lot of the time. that’s what I did when I moved into strat and what I did when I hung out with Lyss and when I hung out with Nay and when a boy would give me the attention I wanted, I was trying to fit into what I think they would like. I’m not sure how to stop doing that and I don’t even know what being myself means. Myself is influenced by all these people and their preferences so how do I know I’m trying to be someone I’m not, where is the line?

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