So tonight marks the first night I went to a guy’s apartment, alone. (I have to include this word for detail’s sake but keep reading and it won’t seem that scary) The guy is someone I work with and up until tonight, I thought I knew him pretty well. Again nothing bad happened I’m just stating what I realized. To anyone else, and even to myself as I am writing this down I think, well duh, you’ve barely spent any time with him, of course, you don’t know him. But hear me out, this one has said so many things that I agree with and things that I never thought I would hear a guy say to me unless I mentioned it first.
For example, one instance that happened while I was at his house, I was trying to look something up on his phone and he doesn’t have a passcode on it because “I’ve got nothing to hide” that is exactly my thoughts on passcodes and that might be a weak reason that he says and does the right things but here’s another reason. He said he’s never known a white girl who liked Bollywood movies. Another reason, during work he said he liked my eyes and that we have similar eye colors. No one ever notices my eyes! I loved that. these are not good enough reasons, I know, but it is the closest I have come to finding the guy that I agree with (that quickly) and can be interested in. There are a lot more reasons but none of them will make him a Christian and his lifestyle shows it.
Looking at what happened the first time I was alone with a guy (which I am going to note was much worse than tonight because we were truly alone and it was super awkward) and now taking a step back and looking at what happened tonight (his roommate was there so it wasn’t that awkward), I am realizing that I may not make the best decisions when it comes to guys. There was no kissing or anything like that tonight but there was a lot of touching and hand holding and leaning against each other. I didn’t dislike it, it was a little quick but when we were just chilling watching Netflix and I could feel his heartbeat, that was the best moment, I see how guys and girls are different and think differently now because at that time all he was probably thinking is why won’t she kiss me? Shouldn’t we be making out? Honestly to me, I’m not sure if, mentally, kissing would’ve been any deeper than laying on top of each other but I know I’m not ready to kiss yet so I didn’t let that happen physically. It didn’t seem like he was super intent on having a relationship but I’m not going to let this be a friends with benefits almost, kind of thing. I need to man up and talk to him about it instead of just running away like I did with Rayman. I know for a fact that this guy isn’t a Christian and he lives however he wants but I think he has been influenced by his friends and just the world in general that he doesn’t think Christianity is fun or worth spending your life being. His mom was/is? a Christian and he got a cross tattoo on his left shoulder. If you get something like that does that mean something to you too? I don’t understand how you could put something so permanent on your skin that didn’t mean anything to you. I had a good time but I decided I don’t really like Breaking Bad. He wants me to keep watching it mmmmm probably not.
Laying with him was what I’ve wanted for these nights, someone warm to hold me while I slept. This may be what I wanted and in a way, it’s still what I want but now I know as Tim McGraw said “the difference between sleeping with someone and sleeping with someone you love.” I want someone to hold me like that but not because he wants sex but because he loves me.